She wakes up in the morning and asks herself, "What am I going to eat today? What am I in the mood for? What will satisfy this craving within me?" Or even, "What is she going to eat Sunday after church, or next week after her infusion," it will be lunch time.
She is feeling helpless and hopeless, that she finds herself, yet again, bound to the desire of food. After all, food nourishes her, it comforts her and calms her. It doesn't reason with her, get mad at her, it doesn't tell her things she doesn't want to hear. Food is her friend, her companion, one who accepts her and doesn't judge her. When she is happy, sad, bored, angry and lonely, she can always find a friend in her food. What is it that has it's power over her? She wants to eat what is healthy and of good proportion, but something inside her says, "Fill-Up!" Her stomach is satisfied long before her brain is.
She finds herself contemplating her next meal. She is in the mood for Mexican, a tapatia, her favorite! She tells her husband that she is going to the bank or store or wherever, but she doesn't tell him that she is also going to eat somewhere. The lie begins. She goes to the bank, gets money for her "fix." He'll never know, he don't look at the checkbook that often. She gets her fix by going to one of her favorite restaurants for her tapatia. They know her well there, they know her by name. The chef sees her come in and he starts making her tapatia before she sits down. (What if she wanted something different this time?). They bring her iced tea and an extra glass of ice because they know she likes extra ice. They bring her chips and salsa, (mild they know). As she indulges in her meal, she feels satisfied with every morsel. She eats every bite. She purposely uses extra napkins, so she can spread them out on her plate after she is done, so that the waitress won't see how she ate the whole thing. She is ashamed at how much she can eat.
This friend of hers is a friend, and also an enemy. After she is done eating her food, she starts stomaching shame, embarrasment, guilt, low self worth, unhappiness, depression, because she sees herself as a number on a scale, and has a poor body image and wonders if her "friend" will one day destroy her.
She battles the yo-yo. Learning that pure determination does not win her battle. She loses, she gains, she loses, she gains, until she is at the heaviest she has ever been. What is she to do? "Eat less, exercise more" doesn't help. What is she missing? She don't know how to defeat this ugly monster inside her that tells her that she is nothing more than a fat woman.
Chocolate----Sweets! She can't just get a small or medium, no, she has to get a Large! Self-discipline, saying "no" to herself, self-control is hard to come by........wanting what she wants, when she wants it is an over-riding element in her attempt to calm down the craving she is dealing with at the time.
She don't want to go to Dr. because she doesn't want to step on the scales, for fear of being rebuked or scolded, or being told, "Oh, I see you have gained weight since the last time I saw you." So, she reschedules her appt. for another month, in hopes of losing a few pounds.
She has to eat, she is out of control, and she needs help. Help!!
Guess she will go walk a mile.
Brenda
10-15-10
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