The Cross

Today as we were leaving church after Easter service, we were stopped at a corner light. I looked to my right and saw a pretty cross on a church lawn. It had green vines on it and pretty yellow, pink and other assorted colored flowers. I thought to myself, although it "looked nice", the Cross is NOT pretty. The cross is messy and dirty and bloody, it is NOT pretty.  Jesus carried His cross that He would die a horrible and painful death.  He carried it for you and me. That is how much He loves us, even while we were still yet sinners! He paid a debt He did not owe for us, who owed a debt we could not pay. But wait!!! He conquered death so that we might have life!! It did not stop at the Cross, it began. He didn't stay in the grave!! He is risen......risen indeed!! He lives inside of me!! :-)  This Easter, I celebrate His resurrection power and life He has given. Happy Easter!

Binged

 "Confessions of a Food Addict" Part 2.
Super-Bowl Sunday not only reminds me of football, but a party that goes with it. Some friends from church graciously invited us to come over for game and food/fellowship....hard to turn down. :-) As soon as I walked in the door, chips and freshly made bean dip caught me eye! Yummm, I had to have more! Add to it, other chips and dip and veggies and dip, Lil smokies, chicken wings, deviled eggs, and goodies........all before BBQ tri-tip dinner, beans rice, etc. I must have gained 5 pounds by half-time! Oh, and can't resist yummy pie, I hid from hubby so he wouldn't see I was eating a second piece, doubt he ever saw the first piece. (Hiding and shame come with food addict behavior). Today, I feel guilty, ashamed, depressed, in my cave......To soothe my aching soul, I took myself to lunch and indulged in yet another meal to satisfy my fleshly craving for something good to eat.....But I only feel worse.

Thought writing and confessing would make me feel better. Thought I would take a walk yet I can think of a thousand excuses not to. Thinking about going to my OA meeting tonight....but maybe not, I'm tired. Another excuse. Pep talking my way to lose weight doesn't cut it. Emotions are fickle and I usually side for the easy way out.  It's not my friend's fault that I binged yesterday......it's my fault for not exercising self-control and making a choice to not eat things aren;t good for me or an amount that wasn't too much for me. I take full responsibility. 

Good think I don't drink alcohol or I'd be an alcoholic.....or take drugs, I'd be a drug addict. Simple truth, I love food, and I am a food addict.  You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink. I have proven this over and over and over. This is my battle and no one can fight it for me. Therefore, I feel alone, but know that I am not alone. Can anybody relate?

Confessions of a food addict

She wakes up in the morning and asks herself, "What am I going to eat today?  What am I in the mood for?  What will satisfy this craving within me?" Or even, "What is she going to eat Sunday after church, or next week after her infusion," it will be lunch time. 

 

She is feeling helpless and hopeless, that she finds herself, yet again, bound to the desire of food. After all, food nourishes her, it comforts her and calms her.  It doesn't reason with her, get mad at her, it doesn't tell her things she doesn't want to hear.  Food is her friend, her companion, one who accepts her and doesn't judge her.  When she is happy, sad, bored, angry and lonely, she can always find a friend in her food.  What is it that has it's power over her?  She wants to eat what is healthy and of good proportion, but something inside her says, "Fill-Up!"  Her stomach is satisfied long before her brain is.

 

She finds herself contemplating her next meal.  She is in the mood for Mexican, a tapatia, her favorite!  She tells her husband that she is going to the bank or store or wherever, but she doesn't tell him that she is also going to eat somewhere. The lie begins. She goes to the bank, gets money for her "fix."  He'll never know, he don't look at the checkbook that often.  She gets her fix by going to one of her favorite restaurants for her tapatia.  They know her well there, they know her by name.  The chef sees her come in and he starts making her tapatia before she sits down.  (What if she wanted something different this time?). They bring her iced tea and an extra glass of ice because they know she likes extra ice.  They bring her chips and salsa, (mild they know).  As she indulges in her meal, she feels satisfied with every morsel.  She eats every bite.  She purposely uses extra napkins, so she can spread them out on her plate after she is done, so that the waitress won't see how she ate the whole thing.  She is ashamed at how much she can eat.

 

This friend of hers is a friend, and also an enemy.  After she is done eating her food, she starts stomaching shame, embarrasment, guilt, low self worth, unhappiness, depression, because she sees herself as a number on a scale, and has a poor body image and wonders if her "friend" will one day destroy her.

 

She battles the yo-yo.  Learning that pure determination does not win her battle.  She loses, she gains, she loses, she gains, until she is at the heaviest she has ever been.  What is she to do?  "Eat less, exercise more" doesn't help.  What is she missing?  She don't know how to defeat this ugly monster inside her that tells her that she is nothing more than a fat woman.

 

Chocolate----Sweets! She can't  just get a small or medium, no, she has to get a Large!  Self-discipline, saying "no" to herself, self-control is hard to come by........wanting what she wants, when she wants it is an over-riding element in her attempt to calm down the craving she is dealing with at the time.

 

She don't want to go to Dr. because she doesn't want to step on the scales, for fear of being rebuked or scolded, or being told, "Oh, I see you have gained weight since the last time I saw you."  So, she reschedules her appt. for another month, in hopes of losing a few pounds.

 

She has to eat, she is out of control, and she needs help. Help!!

 

Guess she will go walk a mile.

 

Brenda

10-15-10

 

A Mile in my shoes

Hello There,

Welcome to my first blog. Please be patient while I get the hang of it. Today I walked a mile in my own shoes. You know the saying "Try walking a mile in their shoes"? I can't walk a mile in someone elses shoes, but I can walk a mile in my own. So that is what I did today......let the shoes keep on walkin! :-)